The Struggle
For widows and widowers or family members that have lost a loved one, it is almost inevitable to have to deal with a will, an estate, a trust, the sale of a home or the distress of being left without funds, bankruptcy or being left without a place to live. On top of that, you are dealing with insurmountable grief. Reluctantly, I have gone through most of these scenarios. You can find yourself in crisis and shouldering responsibilities that frankly, can be too much to bare. Yet, you still have to show up to work or your business in the morning or wake -up and take care of your family, pets, bills, chores, house maintenance and car maintenance. In my past, I had to continue singing, acting , dancing, producing, directing and tour around the country with a smile on my face whether I wanted to or not. That’s when I’ve been reminded that I am not alone, as I mentioned in my previous post, “Priorities!” concerning my dream with Jesus in 1999.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” – Philippians 4:13 NKJV
Over the last 20 years, I went back to school to finish a Bachelor’s in Business Marketing. I have switched careers and enjoyed being a Sales and Marketing Director for a senior living facility, I have been a Life Enrichment Manager/Activities Director for a Memory Care Unit, Property and Casualty/Life Insurance Agent, Travel Agent, Waitress, Singing Waitress, Pizza Delivery Girl, Uber and Lyft Driver, and lastly a Realtor ® since 2017. In all of these careers the common thread was giving of my time and serving people to encourage them and make their daily lives easier or more secure. I have said it before I love people. And, on top of enjoying their company, it grieves me more when I see them struggle and I can’t help to want to be a helping hand or listening ear, if they request it. Since I have struggled, I want to give of my time to those that grieve and need their hand held during a moment of crisis.
I have put together an E-Pamphlet titled, “5 Steps to Managing the Loss of a Loved One”. The steps include: 1. Acknowledging Your Grief 2. Focus on Your Mental Health 3. Create a Positive Environment 4. Be Gentle With Yourself, and 5. Have a Plan and Take Your Time. I invite you to read this short pamphlet of about 12 pages to start on your journey of healing from your loss. Click on URL below to download.
5 Steps to Managing Loss of A Loved One
https://threehusbands.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/5-STEPS-TO-MANAGING-LOSS-OF-A-LOVED-ONE-2.pdf
If you need a Realtor® that can be the calm in your storm, click on the links below to contact me. I am in the Williamsburg, VA area, however I can refer to anywhere in the country.
KW Website: https://barbaraautery.kw.com/
Homesnap Website: https://www.barbaraauteryagent.com/
Barbara Autery, Realtor®, Keller Williams Williamsburg, 8404 Courthouse St, Suite 3B Williamsburg, VA 23188 – Direct: (757) 870-7009 Office: (757) 963-5455; Email: barbara.autery@kw.com; Licensed in Virginia. Work by referrals.
Giving of my time and serving clients with a smile while being the calm in the storm.
Each Office is Independently Owned.
Slowly saying Bye to Mom :(
My mother was at the top of my list since she had dementia and ended-up at a hospital, February 15, 2020, from a fall at her apartment. By February 21st, she was at a skilled nursing facility for rehab, so we both suffered with the restrictions that the pandemic created in 2020. On March 13th, 2020, I was told by the facility that I should stay all day and have dinner with my Mom. Unfortunately, after that day, I would not be able to visit with her because they were locking down due to COVID-19. I didn’t know what to think and how long it would take for them to release the restriction. I figured 3 months tops, once we were all informed of the severity of the situation.
However, as you know it was much longer to my horror! My mother meant everything to me and I meant everything to her, so it was very difficult not to visit in person daily, and I was actually the furthest away from her that I had ever been. It was a 2 hour drive north to northern Virginia! Thankfully, we started FaceTime calls which was very confusing for someone with Dementia. I explained it to her, and she understood about why she had to wear a mask and why we couldn’t visit in-person. She thought everyone had gone crazy and she would describe our sessions on FaceTime as her talking to me from the TV!
Long story short, I was unable to transfer her closer to me because the nursing homes stopped allowing transfers due to the Pandemic. It took me from March 2020 to August 15th, 2021 to finally have a spot open near my home where my mother and I visited everyday and she was only 15 minutes from me. That being said, we live in strange times, and thankfully we are starting to get to some sort of normal.
Sadly, and with a very heavy heart I share with you that my Mom passed away on November 21st, 2021. I have grieved 2 husbands and a father for the last 20 years, but losing my Mother is something that is in a whole other category. I have spoken to several friends that have lost their mother in the last year, and it seems that no matter what age you are, it is the hardest loss, especially if you had a close loving relationship. Your mother is the one person you can tell anything to in this life. The one that cheers you on when nobody else does. The one that is on your side no matter what! How do you move on from such a loss? I have leaned on God for all of my losses and He will sustain me through this loss, as well, because He has provided all of my needs since I was born. I look forward to seeing my Mom again in heaven, but I vow to carry her legacy proudly into the future. I am looking forward to rising to the occasion, as my Mom watches from above with a smile. I plan to remember the good memories filled with joy and the peace of knowing that my Mom no longer has to suffer pain and the deterioration of her earthly body.
But, in all honesty, I find myself shutdown at times with the loss of my Mom and walking through a haze of what once was, not being able to speak or express my emotions. It also seems like every time I turn around another family member, friend or friend of friend has posted something on FB that they have had someone pass-on, and I am posting another “Sorry for your loss”, but in this blog I want to do more than just write sorry for your loss: I want to encourage you to stay strong and seek God for comfort and just be held by Him when you need it, and be patient with yourself and others that are grieving a loss.
I am thankful to God for giving me the strength that I’ve needed for the passed 20 Years and He will continue to sustain me for the rest of my life; the same way He was always there for my mother. Finally, I will be, as strong as my mother was in her life; with God’s help even stronger, and have a faith that moves mountains! I send prayers of comfort, peace and love to all of you that have lost your mother, father, sibling, son or daughter, relative or friend. May the peace of God be with you all!
“…and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:7, NKJV
“Falling Apart”
One of my favorite songs by Casting Crowns is “Just Be Held”. Shortly, after being widowed for the 2nd time, it comforted me like a friend. I would like to share the lyrics with you below. I added the Casting Crowns YouTube video with lyrics: I pray they bring you comfort and God blesses you with peace when things seems to be falling apart.
One thing I have learned from my journey is that God is in control and we need to surrender to that control or suffer the consequence of being controlled by the world, the government, your boss, your job, your career, your finances, your family, your friends, addictions, illness or so many other things that lead you to an empty and unfulfilled life when you least expect it. God provides all our needs. He wants us to have a healthy, vibrant and peaceful journey in every aspect of our lives.
Just Be Held
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
Chorus
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held
Source: LyricFindSongwriters: Mark Hall / Matthew West / Bernie Herms
Just Be Held lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Essential Music Publishing
My blog posts in the next coming weeks will hopefully contain some resources to get you through the dark days and into the light at the end of the tunnel. Most importantly, I pray that God will continue to show up in your life when you least expect it.
I thank God for never letting me go and holding me in the worst of times and walking, dancing and even singing with me in the best of times.
“Be strong & courageous. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.” – Isaiah 43:2
Priorities!
It has been a while since I last blogged, but here is my update, after 5 months of blissfully being married to the love of my life. So far, it has been wonderful being with the one person that God had planned for me all along. It is amazing to find a person that is kind, patient, loves me unconditionally (Christ-Like) and handsome! One thing I have learned during this (Covid time) is more patience and the fact that I have a long way to go before I am the person that God intended me to be.
It is important that you know that I love to sing and that I did that for a good 25 years of my life as a solo singer actress and even a producer, director of my own touring production company. I retired from the entertainment industry roughly around the time of my 2nd marriage in 2013. I thought it was time to move on and search for other goals and I became tired of the struggle and the crooked paths that the entertainment industry led me to time and again. You could say that I was burned out and lost the passion I once had for performing. Moreover, my 2nd husband turned out to have addictive behaviors that I found myself trying to correct slowly, but becoming a reluctant enabler. I think this was the most difficult time of my life. God was stripping all of my childish ways to mature me into the person I am today. I have to say God Loved me and He loves all of us, but just between you and me, I did not get it. I was saved by Christ and yet, I took the wrong path and compromised my values, morals, integrity and my relationship to Christ on more than one occasion after turning my life over to Christ and that’s putting it kindly.
Let’s go back to January 1999, It was a few hours after midnight in our master bedroom and my first husband was sleeping soundly. I was having a dream and in this vivid dream I was clearly standing in the desert and Jesus (My true first husband and best friend) was present in a white robe standing on my right side in front of me. He turned around to His left and outstretched His hand and said, “Take my hand”. So, without hesitation, I reached for His hand like a child would reach for his father’s hand when crossing the street. We walked for miles and miles. However, we never got hot or tired and I felt safe, protected and a peace, love and joy that I had never felt. Eventually, we arrived at His home which for some reason I saw as an adobe style home in Arizona. It had a simple wooden door. He opened the door and led me inside. And then, He embraced me, breathed on me, filled me with the Holy Spirit and said, “I will give you the strength you need.” At the sound of His voice, I woke up and immediately stood on the side of my bed as my husband slept soundly. I looked up toward the heavens and asked , “What do I need this strength for God?” I felt like I could lift the building we were living in and felt like I was 50 feet tall. This was one of the most unusual spiritual experiences of my life. This dream was so realistic and unlike any dream I’ve ever had.
At the time, I was not going through any struggle in my life and my marriage to my husband and business partner was quite wonderful; at least it seemed that way. We worked well together and had built a loving theater family. We continued to use our talents to enrich our fans’ lives with beloved Broadway show tunes and musicals. Unfortunately, Jesus was forewarning me of things to come. After my dream, three months later in April of 1999, my first husband was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer; and well, things were never the same from that moment on. I realized that the dream with Jesus and His words of encouragement were concerning my husband’s cancer diagnosis and I remember looking up and saying, “God, this is what I need Your strength for!”
Up until that point in life, I had focused on my career and helping, supporting and encouraging others to do the same. There is nothing wrong with doing what you love passionately, but let’s just say my priorities are very different today.
“Keep the Lord your God as the center of your life” – Exodus 20:2-3
Hello, World!
So, here is the beginning of my journey as a blogger. I am now over half a century old (Yikes!), and I just got married on Dec. 21st, 2019 to the man of my dreams! Well, I had been married two times before, but my first husband passed away 19 years ago from Cancer and my 2nd husband passed away from liver disease January 21st, 2018. However, somehow I survived both of their passing’s with the peace, grace and love of our Father in heaven and my true husband Jesus Christ, who has been faithful to me in all instances. That’s where the idea came to me about Three Husbands, the two loving souls that passed away and Jesus my true husband, who saved me from both of those calamities in my life.
This is the most important point of my survival, Jesus who has held my hand and walked me through the deserts and valleys of my life. I will explain how I came to Christ in another post. God had put it in my heart to start a blog back in 2002 shortly after my first husband passed. That was called The Young Widows foundation, but I did not quite get around to following through with it probably because of fear of criticism, acceptance and the stigma that comes with being a widow at 33 years old. I was quite young and I was still at the beginning of my life’s journey. Back then, there was very little support groups on the internet for grieving, especially young widows. I looked, but not many sources. Today it is a little different, plus I was led to Jesus Christ by the Holy Spirit’s leading in March 2003, and of course I eventually was plugged into a church that had a Grief Share Support Group which was helpful to my emotional and mental health. I am grateful to God for providing all of my needs.
“And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”- Phil – 4:19, NKJV
On a lighter note, I have a 2 and 1/2 year old Toy Papillon named Daphne, and inherited a 2 year old female Husky named Tasha in my new married life. Gratefully, I find myself with my amazing earthly husband that God had planned for me from the beginning. I never knew a love like this ever existed. I thought I knew how to love, but it turns out I knew nothing of love and I am afraid I failed miserably in that department with my kind 1st husband and my lost and adventurous 2nd husband. I did love them both, but as it turns out they were in my life’s path and I was in their’s to learn and prepare for what God’s future had in store for me and them. Or, the other explanation could be that the first half of my life was never God’s plan, but it was. I truly wish I hadn’t gone through all of that. It would have been better if I had just chosen wisely and known that God loved me and wanted the best for me because I was his beloved daughter and princess and He has the most abundant inheritance waiting for me and for you. My relationship with Jesus Christ has shown me how to love better. I’m not perfect by any means and I am still learning and I am thankful that my God is patient. In my case, very patient!
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11 – NKJV
After years of biding my time, maintaining a cheerful demeanor and not taking life as seriously as I should have, I find myself realizing that it is more serious than I could have ever imagined. Therefore, from now on, I am taking this life to the next level. I will share my experiences with others that are in need of my life story and hope that it brings you comfort, peace, grace and hope that you can survive the death of a loved one, death of a job, death of belongings, death of finances and still flourish beyond your wildest dreams.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts are higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9 – NKJV
I am not sure if it is just my age that has brought me to this realization or if I have grown spiritually enough to have the confidence that I need to communicate and be of help to others which is what I have always wanted. I am a people person. I love people and have a compassion and empathy that surpasses the Average Joe. Don’t get me wrong, my previous life was filled with happiness and adventure, and I was more fortunate than most because early on I was doing what I loved to do and made a living at singing and acting in musicals all over the country and Canada, as well as, running my touring musical production company for 20 + years which I inherited from my first husband. I was blessed with talent and the ability to use those talents to enrich others lives, especially our elder population. From the outside, I was blessed, but the reality was that God was probably thinking to Himself, “Why do they settle for so little when I expect so much more and want to give the best gifts to my children.”
“If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or, if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish?” – Luke 11:11 NKJV
In conclusion, my main concern for the purposes of this blog are young widows all over the world that find themselves lost, destitute or in deep grief from the loss of their husbands, but it is also helpful for anybody going through grief or a loss in direction in their lives. Moreover, I would like to share my own journey of ups and downs hoping to inspire and provide some therapeutic health benefits to myself and those who have lost a loved one and have had to start over with broken pieces and broken dreams. If it is just one person that benefits from my story it is enough and I pray that whoever needs to hear it is blessed by God with wisdom, peace, grace and joy!
“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 – NKJV